Shepard Vs the World
by Mister Buch
Summary: AKA the One Sentence Story. A collaboritive effort by everyone at the ME Fanfic Forums, written one sentence at a time for fun. One day Shepard and her crew suddenly become 16-bit. It can only be the work of the dastardly Saren.
1. All Your Base Are Belong To Saren

**Shepard Versus the World**

AKA 'The One Sentence Story'

A little introduction is in order for this one. Over at the Mass Effect Fanfic Forum (see my homepage for the link – drop by, we're nice) we've been playing a game and writing a fic together.

The rule is – you can only write one sentence at a time. Then you must let the others add a sentence. So no-one has any real control of the story and it goes all over the place.

We had a great time and a lot of fun writing it. And let me tell you, it's a gorram masterpiece. A _masterpiece_. So prepare yourself for the greatest piece of fiction you will ever read. It has drama, humour, tragedy, love and loss, and teletubbies.

The authors were-

Caveman

Elimyx

Hodster

Knightfall1138

Mister Buch

Rascarin

Tillian

Wrath of Dagon

-

-

It was early when she made her horrible discovery. Someone had hacked the galaxy map to make it look like Pac-Man. Presley cried "Why would anyone do this?"

With an enigmatic glance, Garrus replied, "There is a meaning behind it... those ghosts... they represent..."

Garrus' revelation gave him pause, and his voice was marked with anguish as he said, "These ghosts...I see them in my dreams...they say, 'Your father hates you because you left C-Sec!'"

Presley, still feeling quite terrified, looked toward Wrex to lighten the mood. "It's a code," the old krogan growled. "Those ghosts represent Spectres!"

Then all the sudden, Tali called out from the murmur of the bridge with girlish excitement, "Look! Is that a starship that is shaped like a pie? It's eating up the ghosts!"

"And these pills..." Shepard muttered, too gripped by terror to speak up, "... must be planets!"

"OH MY GOD!" announced Kaidan at last, "Ghost, Spectres, a pie, why it's the ghost of the dead Spectre Nihlus!" Everyone stared at poor Kaidan blankly, until… he realised he had left the bathroom without pulling his trousers back up.

"Ahh, Kaiden, I'm glad you came to make your small contribution", Liara murmured.

Kaidan, flushed with embarrassment, said "Thanks... hey wait, what do you mean by 'small'?" While they waited for an answer and Kaidan stood his defiant, pantless ground, Wrex nodded quietly behind them.

Presley getting more frantic by the minute shouted out, "GHOSTS, CODES, PILLS THAT LOOK LIKE PLANETS AND PANTSLESS MEN, WHEN WILL IT END?"

"I can shut him up!" Shepard's right hook caught Presley squarely on the jaw.

Then Joker realised something much to his dismay, "Uhhh Commander. I've just realised that we're not longer in high definition 3D space. We're now stuck in a 16- bit universe."

"My God..." Tali moaned. "And we thought we had it bad with the texture popping problem!"

Shepard gasped in horror, "Dear lord, the white blobs are nothing but a sad pathetic representation of stars... what the hell?!? My body is becoming a short, pixelated humanoid that is less threatening... oh no! I can only move in 8 directions! how I'm going to strife?"

"Commander," announced Joker "it seems that Admiral Hackett wants to speak with you."

"Let me guess, Cerberus has taken over his favorite underground base laundromat, and he needs me to go pick up his laundry."

"Worse than that; it appears one of the tumble dryers has evolved its own AI and has distributed a gazillion rocket drones into the area," Joker said.

Admiral Hackett's dry, gravel voice filled the room, sounding apologetic. "Yes your the only one who can do this Shepard because no one else knows how to fight in a 16-bit universe," came Admiral Hackett's reply. "Those rockets have little faces on them," he went on. "We already sent in Super Mario, but they were too much for him."

"Mario is simple, and so is this problem," Shepard said, pushing Kaidan's revealing figure back behind a chest-high wall. "We have to nuke the extranet..."

"... and take us back to the 3D universe!" Wrex growled in anger.

"We have to be on the lookout for Saren and his cohort, Dr Robotnik; they'll be trying to destroy the 3D universe with their Black (plot) Hole!" warned Liara.

"Wait, but the extranet is where I get all my asari por..." stuttered Garrus, but he quickly recovered and said, "I can't live without ex-C-Secandlovingit dot com! I'm addicted to it."

"Too bad Jenkins is already dead, but we can send the next best thing, Kaidan" Liara suggested helpfully.

Nodding agreement, Shepard said, "Yeah, he's like the pantless Jenkins."

"Wait one second," Kaidan said, finally deciding to pull his pants up. "Are you suggesting that we're going to send me with a nuke somewhere to blow up the extranet?" Nobody answered poor Kaidan, as suddenly they all lost interest in him.

Suddenly, Saren's holographic image appeared in place of the galaxy map, "In this 16-bit universe, you are powerless to stop me; you may have Mario, but I have CATS! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

Shepard made a fist and yelled, "WHAT YOU SAY!!"

"All your bases belong to us? Sounds like broken Engrish to me!" Joker tried to contain his laughter as he continued, "Didn't know you're into games that have guys with big floppy hair, questionable sexuality and a big obsession with big swords. So tell me Saren: do you share the same obsession with zippers like Tetsuya Nomura?"

At Saren's evil base Saren turns away from the screen and looks into his closet and sees a newly made outfit with lots of belts and zippers on it and right underneath on the floor is a BIG ass sword.


	2. Conga!

Garrus widened his stance, gritted his teeth, whipped his arm outward triumphantly towards Saren with a determined look across his face and said, "Exactly."

"I have a big sword, what are you going to do about it?" Saren gave a snide reply to the puny inhabitants of the Normandy as he tried to make a heroic pose with the sword in front of the camera.

"I'll tell you what I'm going to do" Wrex said calmly, getting closer to the galactic map "I'm going to blast my way into your stronghold kill all your little friends and then kick your puny turian ass until even you feel the genophage."

"I'll second that motion, Wrex." Shepard nodded approvingly as she pulled out a baseball bat and tapped it on her palm as she glared at the map, "Remember this Saren! Grass grows, birds fly and buddy, I'll will hurt you!"

Saren looked contemptuously out of the hologram, twirling his long moustache: "Well, aren't you a bunch of tough guys! Hey, Wrex, Canderous called, he wants his scowl back!"

Shepard gave Saren a mocking smirk as she lean closer to the Map, "Oh Saren, I think Cloud Strife called you. You know that berserker sword you're holding? He demands it to handed it back to him before he infiltrates your base as a crossdresser."

"Cloud Strife, HAHAHAHAHA, I invited him over for dinner, got his autograph, then I indoctrinated him and then I cut all his hair off and made this wig with his hair Mahahahahahahahaha!" Saren then pulled out this blond spiky wig and put it on.

"Wait..." Liara asked, horrified. "You're telling me Cloud is supposed to be a _man_? I always thought she... _he_... looked like a woman!"

Everyone on the Normandy groaned while Joker sighed, "Well, my BS masculine detector was right all along."

Admiral Hackett gave a little cough and said "Well I'm still here even though everybody ignored me after Mr. Saren here just butted in but I've been listening and this is getting too... odd for me so I'm just going to give you the choices which is either attack Saren and return to the 3D universe or you can stop the laundry AI from staining all my clothes."

Shepard pointed in a random direction. "I pick.....Door number three!"

"The Scary Door!?" Kaidan cried in alarm from behind his wall.

"No!" Saren screamed, losing his composure for a moment, "Take what's in the box!"

But it was too late. Shepard opened the scary door that just popped onto the bridge of the Normandy and...

…something absolutely HILARIOUS happened.

Ambassador Udina came through the door, thoroughly naked, and dancing with wild abandon.

"Conga!" he shouted, and one member of the crew found it impossible not to take him up on his naked, drunken offer. As the beats came on Saren began to weep, many of the crew members cringed at the sight, Garrus started to get into the beat himself, Liara actually began eyeing Ambassador Udina, and Kaidan for some reason wished his pants were down again. As she stared at the 16-bit scene; Pac-man still running about her Galaxy Map, Saren wielding his sword, Liara blushing, Udina and Wrex dancing around naked with an enthusiastic "Hey!" and a terrifying sideways-kick every few seconds, and worst of all Kaidan beginning to loosen his fly... Shepard felt that she was having an odd day.

As Shepard shook her head one of the doors to the second level slide open and out came striding Anderson in full combat gear. Shepard shook her head, "I've shouldn't been sober when this happened." With shotgun in hand, and shields charged to their max, Captain Anderson stood before the crew with a cigar in his teeth and grunted, in true action hero form, "All ashore that's going ashore."

"With all due respect sir," Shepard gave Anderson a wary look, as she pointed at the metallic sign that hangs over the wall, "You can't smoke on the Normandy due to safety procedures... or lack there of..."

Just as Shepard felt she could take no more, Saren grinned and returned everything back from its 16-bit world. She watched as he put away his sword and Anderson and Udiana left via the Scary Door, which vanished behind them. Before vanishing, the red, turian hologram winked and said...

"April Fool!"

The 16-bit world returned and every body groaned and somehow Anderson came back through that same door to the second level of the ship and said to Shepard "Shepard are you ready for this and don't worry I'm a expert in metal slug combat."

Suddenly, Kaidan sprinted past completely naked and whooping.

"Anyone can fight metal slugs," said Wrex when Kaidan was done. "It's the metal snails that are the real buggers."

Anderson, trying hard to ignore the wild naked man, looked at Wrex in a new light and said, "So you are familiar with this 16-bit world fighting technique. Good, we'll need that skill for the coming battle."

"Rambling double-speak aside," Shepard interjected, "Did anybody put a timer on the oven? That pie should be done by now."

Then Ashley appeared before them as she traveled all the way from the basement, "Ummm... Shepard, about your pie... It came to life as Ms. Pac Man."

Shepard fell to her knees and gave out a long, despair-filled, Vader-esque "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	3. Time for Tubby Bye Bye

Engineer Adams came on the speaker sounding afraid, very afraid. "Commander Ms. Pac Man is destroying everything, she ate the weapons, took a bite out of the Mako and she jumped on several of my engineers. We're are trying to stop her from getting into the engine room."

"Is Tali down there?" Shepard asked. "See if you can't get her to _bore_ the creature to death."

Tali raised one hand from where she was standing behind Shepard. "I'm standing right here you know Shepard."

Shepard sighed, "Well the next best thing to send Kaidan down there to deal with Ms. Pac Man since he's the closest to Jenkins."

"But he's running around like a wild naked man right now, I don't know if we can settle him down" Ashley put in while watching Kaidan running around Garrus.

"We have Wrex and Anderson to help out shoving Kaidan down to the basement," Shepard looked back at the krogan and her ex-CO.

"Shepard." Wrex said, nodding once slowly, before grabbing Kaidan by the back of the neck. Wrex hurled Kaidan into the elevator, throwing Anderson in behind him, and stopping himself before almost manhandling Udina.

Quickly Anderson ran back up and said "Before I go down and face the bow-wearing demon," he ran up and punched Udina out. "Wish me luck." He pulled out his shotgun and threw himself back down.

Five minutes later, Anderson and Kaidan returned from the elevator, transparent and fleeing for their lives. Shepard then grunted in an unsatisfactory manner, "Frak this, I'm going in!" She grabbed the shotgun off Anderson, punched Udina in the nose for good luck and rushed into the elevator.

Udina proceeded to weep like a child over his broken nose.

Ashley rushed into the elevator with Shepard with assault rifle in hand and the elevator began its slow... oh so slow descent and when the door finally opened they found something much worse then Ms. Pac Man. They found that, thanks to the radiation from the Drive Core, she had mutated into a group of the most dreaded things alive: Teletubbies.

"Oh, god," Ashley swore, suppressing the urge to vomit. "At least... at least they aren't BooBahs..."

"Alright," Shepard growled, readying her assault rifle and aiming for Laa Laa's yellow head, "This chick is tubby TOAST!"

Jumping on the band-wagon, Ashley added; "Yeah, time for Tubby bye-bye!"

After Wrex tried hard to come up with a third funny line (naughty noo noo?) the slaughter began. Felt, television parts, head appendages and blood soon littered the floor.

After the initial slaughter, a dread voice rose up from the darkness at the far end of the room, striking terror into the hearts of all that heard it, saying "I'm the bear, I'm the bear... with brown, fuzzy hair..."

Upon closer inspection, the marines were shocked to discover that the bear was Bungle from Rainbow!

"Oh God, I can't take this cute 16-bit world" the requisitions officer yelled. He searched through his stocks and found a shiny pistol and pointed it at his head.

"NO! You can't kill yourself, nameless traveling merchant! I love you!" Wrex declared.

"Put the gun down, Mr. Requisition Officer, everything will be alright. We'll get you back to the slick HD 3D land. Just give me the pistol, it's okay." Shepard spoke softly as she tried to convince him to put the gun down and surrender the pistol to her.

"You didn't see what I saw, the yellow pie chewing on everything and everyone, then the Teletubbies hugging everyone's breath out, you know Adams is laying next to the engine almost dead, right? And now there's that bear!" Tears began filling the Requisitions Officer's eyes with the gun still pointed at his head.

"Not you too," Shepard said softly, lowering the gun while holding eye-contact. "There are enough people shooting themselves in the head in this game."

" But I... can't take this... *sniff sniff* anymore," all of the sudden he raises the gun and shoots and a second later Bungle, who was sneaking up on Wrex, hits the floor with a hole through his head.

For a moment, Wrex was stunned, bewildered. After a moment of silence, Shepard broke out of the stillness as she cleared her throat. "Ummm... nice shot, Requisitions Officer. I've should have taken you on groundside missions more often. Probably you'll get a medal after this. Now about Adams..."

"Wrex," Requisition's Officer butted in,"all that time being across from each other in this room, we never said a word to each other yet I knew there was something there between us, before you yelled what you felt... I just didn't know if..." he breaks off and Wrex and the Requisition's Officer hugs each other.

A loud "awwww" was heard from everyone in the room.

"You've made us proud, Requisitions Officer," said Shepard, "I think you've earned a name."

Requisitions Officer, after embracing Wrex, said, "Wait, don't give me a name. Having a name your Commander and shipmates don't know adds a mysterious feel, oh and Adams is probably dying in the engine room, and Commander please get us back to the 3-D world."

Shepard nodded, "Then it shall be done, Requisitions Officer. Everyone, let's head off to the engine room and save what's left of Adams and don't worry, we'll be going back to 3-D world soon."

When they reached the engine room, they found a terrified, quivering Adams.

He was naked.


	4. Castles In the Sky

Shepard, bewildered, yelled, "Is there anybody on my ship who ISN'T naked?!"

"Apparently not," Ashley said, when she belatedly realised that they _were_, in fact, _all_ naked. "It must've been those dastardly Teletubbies!"

Shepard made a face palm when she looked at Wrex, "Oh dear... 40,000 credit chips for a full set indeed..."

"She-Shepard," Adams who was laying on the floor gasping, "They... they injected me with something, with their antennas, I don't know what it is suppose to do, none of the other were injected though they just dead or barley alive."

And that's when everything changed.

The ship around them faded into nothingness, and then in its place suddenly formed a giant bouncy castle.

When the Normandy's transformation was complete, a trance beat started playing all around them and Tali came bouncing in singing, "There's a place in my mind, no one knows where it hides, and my fantasy is flying, it's a castle in the sky."

Wrex nodded, which was hard to determine as he was bouncing. "That's just what I was about to say," he said.

Someone, presumably Pressly, decided it would be amusing to watch Joker try and bounce, so they grabbed him by the collar and hurled him to the centre of the bouncy castle.

As Joker began bouncing off the walls and Tali continued singing about Castles in the Sky Anderson came up to Shepard and others with new armor and began handing them out saying, "Here Shepard. I don't know why you think it's ok to let everyone walk around naked, but when I commanded the Normandy we only took our clothes off to take a shower."

Shepard suddenly grabbed Anderson by the collar and spat, "I've had it with your snide insinuations..." And with that, she pulled back her fist, wrinkled her brow in authoritarian anger... and pulled down his trousers.

"Look at the size of that... thighs!" Ashley yelled excitingly. As Liara, Ashley and Shepard stared silently, Anderson began to change his mind about the nakedness policy. Meanwhile, Kaidan couldn't help but feel inferior, and went to sulk in a corner.

While everyone ignored Kaidan, Udina came up to them in all his nude glory as he was about to say something about the situation...

But then Matriarch Benezia and a squad of Geth beamed into the bouncy castle and said "Saren has sent me to destroy all of..." She paused and looked at everyone, one at a time, but her eyes stopped on Undina and she began slowly walking towards him licking her lips. "Why you must be Ambassador Udina."

What happenned next cannot be described without getting an 'M' rating. By the time it was over people were still bouncing off the walls and the castle still shook with what just happened. Shepard and the others, stunned, quickly put on their armor. The geth waited to shoot people. Liara yelled "MOTHER!" and Anderson was the only one left pantsless, not bothering to pull his pants back up.

Everyone was amused to see Udina weeping like a baby after what Matriarch Benezia had done to him.

When Udina realized that people were watching he quickly stopped crying and calmly got up. Mustering all the honor he could he said, "Because of my high persuasion Matriarch Benezia has agreed to give us the coordinates to Saren's 16-bit base."

"Tonight, we're going to dine in hell, Saren!" Shepard yelled out loud in the bouncing castle while everyone around her cringe at the corny reference to 300.

Half an hour later, Shepard kicked open the door to Saren's hideout, fully clothed and wielding a giant sword of her own.

"End of the line Saren! You and your weaksauce sword are going down!" Shepard growled and all the sudden the scene changed as they locked into combat in turn based, JRPG style with the dramatic battle music, "One winged angel" that was stolen from FFVII.

In a flash, Saren summoned a bunch of little mini Sarens. Shepard's limit break meter was filled up quickly due to her buff status "pissed-off-and-bitchy" before a another cutscene broke out, causing her to do some awesome sword dancing AoE moves that literally oblivirated both Saren and his mini minions quickly.

Saren, all bruised up, slowly got back up, dropped his sword and took off what was left of his wig, saying, "It seems I should have gotten a bigger sword." He paused and put on sunglasses. "Now I'm going Matrix on your ass."

"God, your one-liner is just as bad as David Curuso from CSI Miami," Shepard moaned before she quickly took off her heavy amour hardsuit which revealed her skin-tight leather catsuit before she put on her sunglasses and tossed her giant sword aside.

And thus began a very burly brawl.


	5. Battle of the Bands

Saren used one of his evil Reaper-given powers to summon DR OCTAGONAPUS, who started FIRIN' HIS LAZOR at the Normandy crew.

In the Normandy all of Shepard's teammates are armored up and standing in a line with Anderson in front, with a cigar in his mouth and shotgun in hand. He gave the crew a short speech. "Alright this is it. That LAZOR is going to rip us apart and Shepard has her hands full with Saren so Joker is going to get in as close as he can, then we are going to jump out, guns-a-blazing, killing all the geth that just appeared around DR OCTAGONAPUS and take him out."

"But damnit, Captain!" Kaidan yelled, "How will we deal with DR OCTAGONAPUS'.... I'm assuming... eight-sided... cats?"

"No Lieutenant, once we fight threw the geth we'll kill him by..." Anderson was cut off as Joker announced it was _time to fight_ and the Mako hatch opened. "Let's give them hell" yelled Anderson as he leaped out. While the Mako soared away from the flying castle of the Normandy, Anderson decided to leap onto the top of the vehicle and do some sky-surfing with his arms spread out while he continued to take a puff from his cigar.

Unfortunately, that's when the LAZOR kicked in. Anderson barely managed to dodge the incoming LAZOR but unfortunately it blew off his beloved cigar from his mouth, his temper flared up and...

… He lit another one.

When the Mako, Anderson and the rest of the crew hit the ground they opened fire on the geth and began fighting to stop DR OCTAGONAPUS while Kaidan with is custom made pistol called 'Kaidan's Gun' fired wildly and kept doing biotic throw while yelling "DOWN YOU GO!"

Caught up in the moment, and distracted by Kaidan, Shepard yelled, "For the Jedi! I mean, the _Alliance_!" Meanwhile, Shepard and Saren's bloody, 8-bit brawl continued.

When things went dire for Shepard as the 16-bit world was reduced by half in the pixel count, she heard a loud voice calling out in her head, "Use the Singularity, Shepard. Use the Singularity!"

Saren continued his onslaught of attacks making it hard for Shepard to get off any biotics, but just then she found out where the voice was coming from. Behind Saren was the ghost of the dead spectre Nihlus. Shepard disabled her targeting computer, readied herself, and suddenly remembered that it used to be 16 bit, not 8 bit.

While Shepard configured her targeting system, Nihlus decided to lurk behind Saren and make all sorts of scary haunting noise while cursing, "Saren.... Saren, you two timing bastard... I've come back from the grave because you stole my hoverboard back on Eden Prime."

Nihlus was still teasing Saren and just like that a Volus hamburger came flying fast and smashed into Nihlus shields and disabled the shield. Now Nihlus had no shield. He started running away. Saren suddenly turned around and saw Nihlus. Laughing very much, Saren tried to aim with his pistol and when he miraculously got Nihlus in sight he pressed the trigger.

*klick*

"Huh??!!" Saren expressed.

"What the hell?!" he said a second later.

He crouched and turned his pistol so he could see the fire selector. "SAFE" The gun was on safe. "That's weird," he thought.

"The joke's on you, Saren!" said Nihilus' ghost. "After WE win the fight, I go back in time in my phone booth and switch the safety on your gun!" And then Nihilus and Shepard played air guitar.

Then all the sudden a stage popped up, two electric guitars appeared suddenly in Shepard and Saren's hand; and it was the battle of the guitar riffs as they belted out their awesome rocking technique while Nihilus pulled out his mini harmonica and played along with Shepard's riff.

"Remember the trashcan!" Liara yelled, and suddenly, a trashcan fell from nowhere and landed on Saren's head, ruining his epic solo.

But what Saren didn't know was that all his moves suddenly looked like Angus Young From AC/DC,  
having both his knees on the ground and bending backwards, he just happened to play an awkward tune and it sounded exactly like a cool solo. Shepard lost his thoughts and just staring at Saren rock and roll (literally).

"Wow," said Nihilus, "But remember... the singularity? Do that."

The power was suddenly cut off and everything went dark. Apparently Wrex was trying to play poker but he shot the "one armed" machine because he lost and there was an energy pike that overloaded the powerstation. Everyone just stood there, calm and curious until...

Saren farted...

While Saren was distracted in his embarrassment of passing some wind, Shepard used singularity to make him, his guitar and the trash can floating around before she began to play a song called "Stairway to Heaven."

And the reserve power got on to only one spotlight that just happened to be directed at Saren,  
and Saren thought he was dead.

Until the reality hit him literally when his guitar slammed on his head after Shepard's Singularity faded away while the trash can deformed into a giant foot and squashed him from above like a pancake.

Shepard walked over to the flattened Saren, and as she inspected him Saren turned into his final form, Red-Lightning-Zombie-Skeleton-Robot-Spider-Saren and jumped through the giant foot's toes, kicking Shepard down! Looking victorious, Saren walked over, looking down at Shepard, saying in a deep, evil voice, "Yes, I have seen this, I stand right here and say 'Shepard there is no cow level'" After saying this Saren looked confused as to why he said that.

Then a sudden portal of red light started to fade in at the edge of the scene, and 3 cows came in, each having a two-handed axe. MOOO they said.

The cows attacked Saren but in his final form they were no match for him. But more cows came out of the portal, all of them wielding two-handed axes, even with his new powers Saren is soon overwhelmed and to make things worse Shepard quickly got up and started pounding pistol rounds into Saren.

The Mighty krogan warrior Wrex was seeing an army of cows coming trough the portal from a distance. Wrex soon realised that everyone was going to be overwhelmed by the cows,  
so he made a run for it, waving his arms over his head and screaming like a baby.

Anderson, along with Ashley, Kaidan, Garrus, Tali and Liara, finally got to the spot where the LAZOR was coming from. As they looked down to where Shepard and Saren were fighting, they saw the portal and cows and Anderson said under his breath, "There _is_ a cow level."

But just then DR OCTAGONAPUS leaped out, saying, "DR OCTAGONAPUS BLAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

And they all died.


	6. Finale: Revenger's Tragedy Comedy

With her last ounce of strength, Shepard made one last move. She slowly raised her middle finger and presented it to Udina, "Always... hated you... bastard..."

She biotically threw Udina into the cow portal, which caused the portal to explode and the horde of demonic cows were stopped.

Saren turned to Shepard and said "Shepard I think I now know why you humans cry."

Shepard couldn't take Saren's patronising comments anymore. "I had enough of your snide insinuations...!" Shepard began to pull the trigger of her pistol...

... And, like so many Mass Effect characters before her, she shot herself…

… Right in the foot, due to her being too weak to hold onto a pistol properly.

"Damnit!" she yelled. "I'm the worst Space Marine ever!"

Saren took Shepard's pistol and shot Shepard in the other foot. As things went bleak as Shepard was temporary crippled, Joker appeared behind Saren with a Red Love Ribbon Lasso and caught him in the loop before he wheeled around in his wheelchair to tie him up.

"Kiss me!" Joker said.

Shepard and Saren both kissed Joker at once, and then there was a really awkward moment. Then Liara felt alone.

And then everyone remembered that they had all been recently blasted by the LAZOR and that most of them were, in fact, dead or dying.

Joker kissed Saren back with his last breath, and as they died Shepard asked Liara a very important question. "Did you blow up the Normady's microwave before you left the castle? Because I see a giant black hole right in front of us and it's sucking all the pixels out from the universe," Shepard asked.

With a look of intense frustration, Liara died too, and Shepard was all alone, wondering if it was appropriate to get naked one last time.

She decided to strip and run away instead. As she was running, she slipped on a banana and went RAGE killing the banana with furious power. The dead banana fell into the black hole, but the black hole was severely allergic to bananas and KAPLODED, spraying white-hot supernova all over anyone who was still alive.

Nihlus, since he's a ghost, just sat there and watched and said to Shepard and anyone still alive "Well I guess I'll be seeing all you guys soon, so I'm going to get Jenkins and just wait for you guys since I don't know what to do. And remember, Shepard... the singularity will be with you. Always."

"Wrex? WREX!?" Cried the Requisitions Officer in despair, "Wrex, Wrex, please... it's... hold me..."

"Truly," Shepard choked between heavy, unswet tears, "Truly this adventure has been both humourous and tragic. Friends applaud, the comedy is finished..." She sighed, breathing her last, eyes fluttering closed and finally, becoming still.

As the scene returned to its original, 3D (if texture-popping) state, Admiral Hackett's voice rang through Shepard's helmet, asking tiredly, "So... are you guys going to pick up my laundry, or what?"

-

-

_The End._

_-_

Thanks for reading. A cookie is being offered to anyone who gets the reference in Shepard's last spoken line, so answers on a postcard please because I don't get it at all.

There will probably be another story like this at some point if you want to come and join in. I'm thinking next time… one word at a time.


End file.
